Castiel opens his mouth, closes it, and simply nods in the end. He can reply - Sam addressed him, questioned him. It's just that Castiel doesn't know how to reply to this. He's being a poor example of a good sub tonight, even though he usually takes great pride in being good.
Even when he pushes Sam, needles him for more, it's... not usually like this, not this bad. Castiel isn't willful or this deliberately opposing the commands usually.
And yet he finds himself resisting the pull of Sam's hand, making his situation so much worse. It's like...
Like...
There's a crack in his chassis, and just like that he knows what all of this is, why he needs Sam at his worst and the punishment inflicted upon him to push the boundaries of what he can take further than anything before.
Thousands have died because of Castiel, in Heaven and Earth. The Winchesters have forgiven him, but he was never properly punished for his transgressions. Neither his self-imposed exile in Purgatory nor Naomi's attempts to reprogram him felt like punishment and absolution, but... he needs to be punished. He understands that, now, with Sam. This world of theirs makes sense in a way nothing else has, before. There are rules, and he always knows he's breaking them when it happens. His actions don't have unforeseeable consequences. Castiel wants punishment for every life he snuffed out, every brother he killed, every transgression, every mistake. He needs it.
So he doesn't look at Sam. Averts his eyes and pushes the familiar hand away from his hair, sets his jaw in tense defiance. Pushes one more button, oversteps one more border. It's not the usual situation in which he toes the line to make sure it's still in place. It's not a ploy to get off to something harsher than their usual play.
Castiel has crossed the line, and keeps trying to cross it again when Sam puts him in his place as usual. What normally would serve to cull the defiance in him seems to pearl off him right now.
no subject
Even when he pushes Sam, needles him for more, it's... not usually like this, not this bad. Castiel isn't willful or this deliberately opposing the commands usually.
And yet he finds himself resisting the pull of Sam's hand, making his situation so much worse. It's like...
Like...
There's a crack in his chassis, and just like that he knows what all of this is, why he needs Sam at his worst and the punishment inflicted upon him to push the boundaries of what he can take further than anything before.
Thousands have died because of Castiel, in Heaven and Earth. The Winchesters have forgiven him, but he was never properly punished for his transgressions. Neither his self-imposed exile in Purgatory nor Naomi's attempts to reprogram him felt like punishment and absolution, but... he needs to be punished. He understands that, now, with Sam. This world of theirs makes sense in a way nothing else has, before. There are rules, and he always knows he's breaking them when it happens. His actions don't have unforeseeable consequences. Castiel wants punishment for every life he snuffed out, every brother he killed, every transgression, every mistake. He needs it.
So he doesn't look at Sam. Averts his eyes and pushes the familiar hand away from his hair, sets his jaw in tense defiance. Pushes one more button, oversteps one more border. It's not the usual situation in which he toes the line to make sure it's still in place. It's not a ploy to get off to something harsher than their usual play.
Castiel has crossed the line, and keeps trying to cross it again when Sam puts him in his place as usual. What normally would serve to cull the defiance in him seems to pearl off him right now.