He's as damned as he seems/And more Heaven than a heart could hold (NSFW)

[fromfryingpantofire]

They tended to switch bars a lot, never sticking to any one location and they'd drive out a ways away from the bunker. Lebanon was way too small for them to hit up the bars there very often, but it wasn't that far to the state line and there were other towns around, too.

Sam and Dean had gone their separate ways tonight, each planning to hustle pool or cards in a different place. As usual these days, Castiel had come with Sam. The former angel had picked up pool rather quickly, which wasn't surprising considering it was pretty much all math and angles. For the moment, though, Sam was the one cleaning the table with the current set of drunkards who had decided to try their hand against him.

He looked up just as he finished the current game, gathering up the money that had been bet. He'd been going to call out to Castiel, but the sound died in his throat when he saw someone else was talking to the other man. Someone who was entirely too close for Sam's liking.

He nodded to the other players, pocketing the money before walking over and putting a hand between Castiel's shoulder blades before letting it slip down. "Hey, Cas. Who's your friend?"

Comments

The one where a club visit goes wrong

[freetobe]

The club has become a favorite little haunt of theirs. Sometimes it's just good to know that they're far away from Dean and Kevin, that they can take all the time in the world to play. Castiel takes a secret sort of pride and pleasure in how he can walk the hallways and rooms of the club naked, with nothing on his skin but their favorite collar - blue, for his eyes - and a chastity device keeping him soft for Sam's pleasure. He's on display like this, and they both know he draws everyone's eyes.

Who wouldn't look at him? Tall, tan, smooth skin with a few fading but not faded red lines from their last play, carrying himself as if he owns the place, and only casting his eyes down when he steps into place with his even taller, stronger dominant.

They make a pair that many in the club envy, and happily watch whenever they choose to leave the door open.

Castiel was unsure about that the first time Sam introduced him to it all, but they work well together, communicate thoroughly - if Castiel was uncomfortable, it wouldn't happen. They experiment like that often, try something, and immediately disregard it if it's not what they were hoping to get out of it.

They often get requests from people wishing to join them, and so far have declined. But the notable interest has got them talking. Neither of them is sure whether they want to invite others to their play or not. It's Castiel who finally suggests that if they're neither opposed nor in favor, they should try it, once, see how it suits them. He figures for him, it won't be different than Sam using toys on him once he gets into the right mindspace for their play. Besides, Sam will be there every step of the way, and if it doesn't do anything for them, they can call it quits at any point.

It's why he finds himself reclining against the pillows, slick hole clenching around a dildo barely filling enough compared with Sam. His eyes are half lidded as he watches Sam talk to James, their experimental partner for the night. He almost smiles, because it's obvious that as usual, with Sam, he's in good hands. James has the law laid down for him; a strict, thorough set of rules to abide by.

[fromfryingpantofire]

It had been James they picked because he was appealing enough to them both. And he'd been with the club longer than they had. They hadn't heard anything bad about him, so they'd decided to take a chance.

Though some chances weren't happening at all. There were rules in place, Sam laying out the hard nos for Castiel and for the scene. No removing the collar or the chastity device. (Not that he could, since Sam wore the key around his neck.) No humiliation. And absolutely no choking. It was one of those things that Castiel had never had to tell him about. When you could remember dying because you couldn't breathe, choking became much less interesting. And condoms. Always condoms.

Finally, Sam stepped back. "I'll be right over here, watching. Everything goes all right, I'll join you for the aftercare." Because no way was he leaving Castiel's aftercare to somebody else.

He stepped around James, walking over to the bed and bent down to kiss Castiel's forehead. "Remind James what your safeword is, angel."

[freetobe]

Castiel smiled up at Sam, grateful for the affection. It reminded him that Sam was close by, that this wasn't just someone else laying his hands on Castiel, but someone else touching him for Sam's pleasure. James seems charming enough, nice smiles, a cheerful "You got it boss" for Sam.

When Castiel locks eyes with him and says "Leviathan", James' expression turns serious and he nods.

All in all, Castiel feels that he's in good hands. James touches him, gently at first to get to know the feel of Castiel's skin. He smiles when he pulls back and looks through the floggers Sam and Castiel have cleared for possible use. "On your hands and knees, then. I want you to look into your masters eyes while you count out the strokes.

It's exhilarating, to keep his eyes on Sam, to keep his cock soft in its confines and to keep a count of strokes as James lays into him. His strokes are very different from Sam's, neither better nor worse, just coming at an entirely different angle. They reach ten when Castiel can feel himself floating a little already, eyes slipping as James rounds them off with several slaps to his ass.

Still, he's not sold on the concept of being shared. He doesn't mind, not really, but being watched by Sam while someone else works him is not half as thrilling as being worked by Sam with other people watching. Not a complete failure then, but not necessarily something he wants to pursue in the future.

That's what he thinks while James manhandles him onto his back, removes the dildo, prepares his own erection with a condom and lube and shoves into Castiel.

Not being able to look into Sam's eyes takes what little magic there was in it, pulls Castiel right out of the space he was floating towards. James is good, but that's not the issue - it's not how hard he fucks Castiel, but how he's just not Sam, lacks the precision to keep Castiel on an edge between pleasure and pain. One hand rubs up and down the side of Castiel's neck, no doubt meant to soothe - but it just means the fallen angel tenses up, not pleased with this. He has no orders, which means he can only lie still and take it, which makes him feel like more of a toy and less of a sub, and the hand on his neck makes him uncomfortable enough that he opens his mouth to call the whole thing off.

James leans forward before he can speak, which means he inadvertently blocks Sam's view, one hand burying in Castiel's hair while he presses their foreheads together. His weight is on the other hand right now, and before Castiel can comprehend what James does - does accidentally, which makes it worse, because it means he's not in control, he's careless, he shouldn't handle a sub - his air is cut off. Castiel tries to take one breath, then two, silently, neither filling his air with lungs.

And just like that, it's not a man above him, but black goo wafting into dark water that closes over his head, fills his nose, his mouth, his lungs. He can't breath, can't call it off, can't call for Sam, can't call the safe word, something that should never ever happen when he's not gagged or having his mouth fucked. His hands claw at James' arms as darkness creeps into the edge of his vision. What is erotic for many people is a terror for Castiel, something that haunts his nightmares and makes him feel uncomfortable around large bodies of water or having his breath restricted in any way, sexual or not.

Castiel is in a full blown panic before James even realizes that he's choking him.

[fromfryingpantofire]

On Sam's side, it's not nearly as fulfilling as he'd thought it might be, either. Oh, James does well enough. Though Sam thinks he's too careful in many ways. For instance, Sam knows damned well that Castiel can take more than ten strokes, that only strokes across the ass are a bit boring. Especially when there's the thighs and the shoulders open as well.

Still, Castiel's not calling out, so Sam doesn't put a stop to things. Honestly, though, he mostly finds himself bored, especially when James turns Castiel over, breaks their eye contact.

Everything changes in a second, though. There's a definite change in the tension of Castiel's body before James bends over him and Sam's already leaning forward before the panic breaks. By that point, he's on his feet and two long strides have him grabbing James by the shoulder and pushing him back, taking him away from Castiel. He sees where James's hand had been, what he must have done. And as much as he wants to berate the other man, Sam's only thought for the moment is gathering Castiel up in his arms, listening to the way he sobs for air.

"I'm here, baby. I've got you, Cas." Reaching up to stroke his hair, sliding his fingers through it, holding the former angel tight to let him know that he's there.

[freetobe]

Castiel is very still for a moment, just gulping in air and clinging to whatever holds him up, not even all that aware that it's Sam - though of course it is, who else could it possibly be? Castiel can still taste water in his mouth, though, brokenly whispers his safe words three times, and finally tries to pull back, needs to be let go so he can come back to himself for a moment now that Sam has taken the brutal edge of panic away.

Castiel curls away from everything, closes his eyes. Doesn't hear what, if anything, Sam says to James, just murmurs Leviathan under his breath every now and then, while reminding himself: The Leviathan are gone. He can breathe. He can die, too, but not right now. Right now he's safe, he can breathe, he's not drowning. Except he can still feel the way James put too much weight on his throat, can feel the exact shape of the bruise this will leave.

Castiel doesn't notice that once Sam has James out of the room, someone from staff immediately blocks the half-closed door - not closed all the way, not until Sam is back, in case that isolation is worse for Castiel. The guy stands there to shield him from prying eyes until his dom can return, and Castiel would be grateful if he wasn't struggling to pull himself into back into functioning properly. It's just all too much, and he feels disgusted with himself, with the red stripes on his skin that someone else left, with the slick feeling between his legs that wasn't driven there by Sam but by a stranger, with how he's allowed someone else to touch him, brought this upon himself. And now the collar weighs too much, feels too tight all of a sudden, and Castiel wants nothing more than to be home, wearing Sam's clothes and burrowing into Sam's sheets, somewhere unquestionably safe.

He needs Sam.

[fromfryingpantofire]

After so long together, Sam's nearly psychic when it comes to Castiel. Or maybe it's some leftover manifestation of his demon blood abilities. Whichever it is, he's grateful for it because it means he knows that, when Castiel turns away from him, it means he's safe enough to take James out of the room.

What happens afterward is a dressing down in front of everybody in the club's common room. Sam had allowed him to get his pants and shirt, but not to dress before telling him off in front of God and everybody. Because there was no way he was going to let anybody think that James was somebody they could leave their sub with.

When James stammered out that choking Castiel had been an accident, Sam nearly came after him physically.

Instead, he turned and walked to the locker room area, grabbing his coat and the bag with Castiel's clothing in it before heading back to the room they'd booked for the night. He nodded to the staff member. "I'm going to have to borrow the blanket," he told the man. "I'll bring it back in a few days, but I'd rather get Cas home and I'm not sure he's up for being manhandled enough to dress."

The guy nodded. "Do what you gotta. We'll make sure you have a straight line out."

And, honestly, Sam couldn't have said how much that meant to him at the moment. He stepped past, shutting the door so that he could go to Castiel in private. "Cas? Cas, it's Sam. I'm going to touch your shoulder, all right? You're safe and nobody else is in here but me."

Once he'd let Castiel know that, he reached out, laying his hand against the man's shoulder.

[freetobe]

Castiel and Sam had gone through their fair share of traumatizing scenes, but never to the extent that either of them had been shellshocked. Oh, Castiel had to employ the safe word before, and Sam had to force him to use it, to, back when he was too prideful to mind his own limits. This was without precedent. There was little telling, therefore, for how exactly Castiel would react.

But where his panic had made him violent, now that it had subsided and he was left with the shock of James' screw up, Castiel felt drained. The touch to his shoulder was a balm, and he crawled into Sam's arm. "I'm sorry," he muttered into the fabric of his shirt. Not knowing what had happened outside, he wasn't sure, now, if this mistake was his fault - bringing up one bad memory tended to wash the others up, too, and right now Castiel was trying to sort through sexual humiliation coupled with the real trauma of drowning, Naomi's torture and mind-washing, the way everything that went wrong in Heaven was placed as blame onto his shoulders. There was no way he could evaluate the situation clinically, right then - which was good for James continued life and safety, because Castiel might be a sub, but he was also a deadly former warrior of Heaven.

Instead, he merely clung to Sam, knowing by instinct that if any safety was to be had, it would be here, because if punishment was in order, it would be swift.

Still, for safe measure, he muttered "Leviathan" into Sam's chest, too, trying to end a scene that clung to him like cobwebs.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam reached up, stroking his fingers through Castiel's hair as he settled against his chest. "The scene's over, Cas," he replied, keeping his voice clear and steady. The anger was spent outside. He wouldn't allow it here, when Castiel was already so fragile. "What happened wasn't your fault. I'm sorry I didn't act sooner, didn't see where that could go. But it's over now and I'm going to take you home, okay?"

There were things that needed to happen, but some of them could happen once they got back to the bunker. For now, Sam's hand dropped to the collar and he managed to undo it with one hand, letting it go slack before pulling it away from Castiel's neck so he could tuck it in his pocket. "See. Scene's all done." He kissed Castiel's forehead, then reached over to grab the other side of the blanket to pull it over the other man. "I'm going to carry you out of here, all right? You don't have to do anything, just stay wrapped up and I'll get you home."

[freetobe]

Sam helped put the world back on its axis, make it spin as it was supposed to. Castiel peeled away the layers of his panic one by one, felt control glide back over into his hands - because sub or not, the control was with him. The control to end a scene, to accept a collar, to let someone else dominate him.

He had to remember that, and it made the world right again.

Now breathing evenly again, Castiel nodded, wrapped his arms around Sam's shoulders so he could be lifted. Oh, he could walk, certainly. But right now what he needed was for his dom to take care of him, piece him back together, give him the safety James had so carelessly stripped away.

At home, not here.

"Yes. Thank you, Sam."

And with that, he finally relaxed noticeably. He had heard all he needed to hear for now, had calmed down enough to leave this room, and trusted Sam to return them both to the safety of their home where they could work through the rest.

For now, he placed his chin on Sam's shoulder. Didn't hide his face, because he was strong, he was a warrior, even while being carried outside. Let them see the bruises, and let them know neither he nor Sam would stand for it. It was only when they were outside that he tucked his face against Sam's neck. For comfort, though not out of fear or shame.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam made certain the blanket was pulled tight around Castiel before he lifted him, asking the staff member to grab the bag as he walked out of the club. He didn't look left or right, only straight ahead. He really didn't look at James as they passed, mostly because he needed every bit of his mind on Castiel.

Other staff members opened the door, letting them out and Sam felt Castiel put his face against his neck. He hummed at the back of his throat, letting the vibration help soothe Castiel a little bit more as they got to the car.

It wasn't easy to get the car open without putting Castiel down, but Sam managed it, pulling the door open so that he could lean in and put Castiel in the passenger seat. He made certain the blanket was up over the former angel's shoulders before buckling him in and pressing another kiss to his forehead. "See. All safe in the car. We'll be on our way in a moment." He turned to the man who had followed them with the bag, taking it gratefully. "Thank you. I'll bring the blanket back in a few days. I don't know how long it'll be before we're back otherwise."

"Take as much time as you need. We'll miss you if you don't return, but it's understandable." The man looked into the car. "You two take care of each other, all right?"

"Always." Sam smiled, pushing the door shut before going around to the other side of the car to open his door. He dug into the bag, which he tossed into the back seat, then offered Castiel a bottle of water once he sat. "You probably need that. I know water doesn't seem appealing at all, but you'll need to drink something and I didn't bring coffee."

[freetobe]

"Thank you. Water is... water will be fine."

He can drink it, now, hydrate his body and then stretch out across the seats, place his head in Sam's lap, hidden from the world.

Castiel is a former angel of the lord, now human. He's fierce and strong, and there is not a lot that can truly get under his skin. But sometimes he gets overwhelmed. And a lifestyle like the one he leads with Sam has to come with a lot of trust. Whether you're submissive or dominant, you trust a lot of yourself to your partner, to handle with care. It's never an issue with Sam, never something Castiel even has to worry about.

Tonight, however, with James... Castiel screws his eyes shut and forces himself to drink the water. They'll be home soon, and he knows that Sam will take care of him, will help him chase away the leftover remnants of black goo and black water.

He remembers putting Sam together, when they found themselves in a a cabin in the woods during a hunt. They'd made a fire and started their play on the rug in front of it. But the flickering of flames on Castiel's naked, well-used skin... they had stopped the scene, Castiel had put out the fire and helped Sam pull himself back together. They were a team, in this.

With the water emptied, he pulled the blanket around himself more tightly and lay down. For the duration of the drive, his world was narrowed down to just Sam. The extent of which became apparent when they pulled up at home, and Castiel seemed to notice, for the first time, that they took the blanket.

"Did we steal this?" he murmured, finally looking up at Sam. The bruises on his throat were a clear purple at this point.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Whenever Sam had to stop, be it at a stop sign or red light or just to turn a corner, his hand dropped to Castiel's hair, stroking gently. It wasn't often that Castiel laid his head in Sam's lap while they were driving and Sam always took care to drive extra carefully when it happened. After all, the last thing they needed was to be pulled over.

Especially given the fact that Castiel was almost entirely naked.

He smiled slightly, looking down at Castiel once they pulled into the garage at the bunker. The smile dimmed slightly as he saw the bruises, reaching down to brush his fingers over them before shaking his head. "Borrowed. They know I have it. I've promised to bring it back in a few days. Figure the least we can do is wash it for them."

He brushed a few stray hairs behind Castiel's ear. "First things first. I'm going to take you to the bathroom and give you a shower. We're going to clean off the night and start fresh." It also meant that any lingering scent from James would be washed away as well. "I'm also going to remove the chastity device for the night. You're still not allowed to touch yourself, but you will be allowed to come tonight."

[freetobe]

It has Castiel squirming a little.

In the beginning, he hadn't enjoyed the chastity device, had found it strange and uncomfortable, especially when blood rushed into his cock. But Sam had been patient in his training and teaching, showing Castiel just how amazing it could be to remain soft and focus on experiencing all other sensations not centered around gaining or withholding an orgasm. Castiel remembers hours spent on his back, almost crying from having Sam inside him - fingers, cock, toys - without finding any sort of relief.

He'd come to love the chastity device. It was a security blanket. To take it off almost felt like failure, but he knew that wasn't what this was about.

The plan is clear, and Castiel is once again amazed and humbled by the care Sam takes with him. He needs a clear plan, a structure he can follow, and the fact that Sam never has to be asked, always explains it to him... is quite simply put, beautiful.

"Any time?" He licked his lips, thinking about it. "What are we going to do, after the shower?" Starting fresh sounded good. But with the chastity device off, Castiel wanted to be able to prepare himself. He touched his neck subconsciously, getting restless in his seat.

[fromfryingpantofire]

"We're going to go to our bedroom and I'm going to lay you down and give you a massage to start," Sam said, keeping his voice steady for Castiel. "I want you to remember the feel of only my hands on your skin, nobody else's. Then I will get one of our floggers, so that you are wearing my stripes and nobody else's. And when I'm satisfied that you'll remember no other, I will open you up and fuck you until you beg to be allowed to come."

He looked down, stroking his fingers through Castiel's hair. "You are mine, Cas. No other will lay hands upon you again." Sometimes, when one of them broke, they had to break further to be put back together properly.

[freetobe]

The words are a balm on the part of Castiel's mind that's been knocked off balance, that's spinning at the wrong axis. Yes... yes, this is what he needs. To be reclaimed completely and utterly, remade by Sam's hands has he once remade Sam's brother, and Sam himself, too.

He makes a desperate little sound at it, because it sounds too good, too caring, to have Sam devote himself so thoroughly to taking him apart and putting him back together.

"Yes, Sam. I'm yours. I... can I request, your belt?" To tie him up with or to lay stripes across his skin with, he doesn't care. Just wants as much of Sam on his body as he can possibly get.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam smiled at that. "Of course. How about I get out my good belt as well. Use that one to take your hands from you and my everyday belt to stripe your ass and shoulders?" He could moderate the hits across the shoulders just fine, after all, and it would include the tattoo, the permanent mark of their relationship.

He leaned down, pressing a kiss to Castiel's shoulder. Because his head was difficult to get to. "I'm going to get out of the car now so that I can pick you up and take you to the bathroom. Is that all right?"

[freetobe]

"The belts sound wonderful, Sam. Thank you."

He's not sure he can thank him enough, for providing everything Castiel never knew he needed, and then some. As an angel fresh out of Heaven, he hadn't even thought there was such a thing as this lifestyle, or that it might be just what he need, now as a human more so than ever. Strange, what turns his life took until he ended up just where he needed to be.

"What about Dean and Kevin?"

[fromfryingpantofire]

"They aren't back yet." He hadn't seen the Impala when they'd driven in, but Sam looks up to check that he hadn't just missed it. "I doubt they'll be back before we're done in the bathroom, honestly. I'll leave them a note, though. Let them know that you had a bad night and we'll see them in the morning." Or, possibly, closer to early afternoon. It depends a lot on how much Castiel crashed.

He reaches down, stroking his fingers through Castiel's hair before undoing his seat belt. He opens his door and gets out, careful of Castiel before going around to the other side to help him out of the car. There's absolutely no problem at all with carrying the other man. He enjoys that Castiel allows it to happen sometimes.

[freetobe]

It's a rare thing to happen. Castiel is a proud creature, much older than Sam and he used to be much stronger, too. Usually he dislikes being carried. Situations like this are a clear exception, when he's shell-shocked and overwhelmed, when he's reminded that even just scraping his hand and feeling that pain for the first time overwhelmed him not so very long ago.

So he wraps his arms around Sam's shoulders, holds on tight as he's carried inside. Allows the world to narrow down to Sam and nothing else, because that's just what he needs now that his skin is crawling with someone else's touch, someone else's violation.

"Sam," he murmurs, clutches at him harder. At least they're home now. He'll be taken apart and reassembled soon. Everything will be well. Sam's got this. Sam's got him.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam turns his head, brushing his lips over Castiel's forehead as he walks through the bunker. It's quiet without anybody else there, but that's what they need right now. Castiel doesn't need the noise and possibly being startled by someone else seeing him in his current state. "I'm here, Cas. I've got you."

He makes his way to the bathroom, which has been remodeled a bit recently. The bathtub is still there, of course, because they all like a nice bath sometimes. But a shower has been added to one corner of the room, slightly at odds with the 50s decor but more functional than the bath after a hunt. Sam walks straight to the shower, pulling over the shower chair with one foot so that he can set Castiel down. "I need to get the shower started and get undressed," he tells Castiel as he does so. "I'll be right here and not going out of your line of sight."

Once Castiel is down, it's only a moment to make short work of his clothing, putting them in a pile to take to the bedroom in a little while. Then he leans into the shower to get it started, making it slightly warmer than either of them normally like. After the shocks Castiel had had that day, the extra warmth would be good. "All right. I think that should be okay. You tell me if I need to make the water cooler or warmer, okay?" He helps pull the blanket from Castiel, then, and help him into the shower.

[freetobe]

He feels disgusting and filthy then. More than the feeling of being stretched around someone not Sam. But now that he's seated again with the initial shock fading bit by bit, he feels the bite of the stripes on his ass, the marks someone else put there, someone who then choked him.

Castiel can't wait for Sam to stripe him properly. Erase every last trace of tonight and replace every mark with himself. Fill Castiel in every way humanly possible, the way only Grace used to fill him.

"Hot is good, now." Nothing cold, nothing like natural water. The steam creates a further shield, shuts them away from the world as they step into the shower together. Castiel tugs on Sam's hands, places them on his backside. That stings, too, but it's a sting that makes Castiel feel better. Sam's hands are the perfect size to take hold of what they own.

"I'm starting to feel better."

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam smiles, using that grip to pull Castiel closer, moving his leg so that his thigh rests between Castiel's legs. The chastity device is still on, but that's all right. Castiel can still feel some of the pressure of his leg against his balls.

"Let me take care of you, angel," he says, turning to press his lips against the shell of Castiel's ear. "Let me wash you clean so that I can wrap you up until you smell and feel only me."

His fingers dip between Castiel's cheeks, finding the slick from the earlier preparations. He uses his other hand to spread Castiel open, so that the water can find the spot better.

[freetobe]

It's a cleansing, the way Sam touches him, spreads him open so water can run between his cheeks and wash away every mistake that happened tonight. His fingers curl around broad shoulders, and he lazily rolls his hips, just to feel a little more of that delicious pressure. Not for arousal, just for touch. As much of it as he can get. Tipping his head up to press his lips to Sam's is easy, comfortable even. Allows their tongues to tangle lazily as the water washes the ghosts of this night away, resets it to something they can start from anew.

And then Castiel lowers his forehead to Sam's shoulder.

"I was still conscious when they walked into that lake. They had control over my body, but i was. I was there. And I knew I would die. I knew I would die having broken you and not fixed you."

[fromfryingpantofire]

It isn't that Sam doesn't know the demons that had been stirred up by James's mistake. But he doesn't expect Castiel to start talking about them. It's not something that he's ever done, something they've ever really talked about.

Sam turns his head, kissing Castiel's temple and holding him close. "I forgave you for that long ago," he murmurs, stroking his hands over Castiel's back. "Well before we thought you were dead, even." Certainly Castiel had to know that, had to remember Sam praying, saying that Castiel was still one of them. "I didn't know you were still conscious, though. I guess...I sort of guessed you might have been or might remember some of it. That's why choking was always off the list even before you said no. I wouldn't have wanted to bring those memories back up."

[freetobe]

Sam might have forgiven him, but Castiel never has forgiven himself. For years now he's been trying to fix his own past mistakes, no matter the cost. He's not sure he'll ever truly be... over all of this. He's an ancient creature, and sometimes learning is a slow process.

His fingers dig in a little harder.

"I'm blessed to have you Sam, more than I can say."

And in a way that's too depressing to think about, he's blessed to have fallen, too. A human life allows him to grow as old with Sam as is possible in the hunting life, allows him not to have to face the possibility of losing Sam and living on for all eternity without him.

That is a terrifying thought even for him.

"They piled onto me. Choked me inside my vessel even before they left me to drown in the lake. And I had to watch through their eyes as they attacked Dean and Bobby with my hands."