For your love, I'm sorry/For your pain, don't worry

[fromfryingpantofire]

It had been happening little by little. Almost small enough increments not to be noticed, but Sam and Dean were both masters of noticing little details. It was the line between life and death far too many times.

(At least when they wanted to. Both were entirely too good at not seeing the forest for the trees when it was something they didn't want to know about.)

It had been slow, but steady. Sam and Dean had their hunts and Castiel had his job and his own life separate from their own. Especially once he got a boyfriend. It was only natural that they didn't get a chance to meet up as often.

But it wasn't just that. More and more often, Castiel begged off from meeting up or simply didn't answer voicemails left for him. And when they were able to get together, Castiel was quieter and obviously pulling away. It was worrying and Sam and Dean sat down and talked about it in the bunker, even pulling Kevin into it. They all agreed that, even if there wasn't a problem, they needed to at least check up on the former angel.

Which was why Sam was outside the gas station in one of the cars from the Men of Letters' garage, waiting on Castiel to finish his shift. This was something that was better talked about in person, anyway.

((Content warning for discussions of abuse and abusive relationships. Also BDSM done wrong.))

Comments

[fromfryingpantofire]

At some point, Sam goes from feigning sleep to dozing back off again. Not deeply, though, which is why he starts waking up when Castiel tenses against his chest.

He makes a tired sound against Castiel's hair, glad that Castiel comes to realize he's safe before Sam has to be awake enough to confirm it. "Hey, Cas," he murmurs, voice raspy from sleep. He tightens his arm, giving Castiel that little bit more comfort. "You sleep okay?"

It's not that he doesn't want to have sex with Castiel. It's that, right now, it would definitely not be a great idea.

[freetobe]

Castiel is currently incapable of discerning between right and wrong, good and bad. Doing nice things and sex have become entangled in his mind - he'll learn to separate them again, learn to regain the perspective he used to have and should have. Right now, he's not sure what to make of their situation, but doesn't feel their position is one he should leave. Instead, he idly picks at the blanket wrapped around them.

"I slept."

[fromfryingpantofire]

"That's good. I could feel you were having some trouble when we laid down, but I'm glad you were able to sleep in the end." And he really does need to pull away, to stop wanting to bury his face in the soft, short hairs at the back of Castiel's neck. Instead, he pulls away and rolls onto his back. "Are you hungry? Dean's probably up and making something."

[freetobe]

"I don't eat breakfast."

He's supposed to stay lean. Castiel usually eats salad for lunch, and then a light dinner. He also usually eats what Jason picks, no questions asked. But he doesn't feel like explaining that right now, though he knows he should. He sits up instead, looks over at Sam, and is utterly unaware of his bedhead.

[fromfryingpantofire]

The bedhead gets a fond smile from Sam, his fingers curling into the comforter so that he doesn't reach out and try to smooth it down. As much as he'd love to. "Is that personal preference or something that Jason's instilled in you?" Sam asks. "Because...I mean, if you'd rather not eat breakfast, that's fine. But it's pretty early and it's going to be a while until lunch."

[freetobe]

This seems to give pause, but this time he doesn't look guilty - merely perplexed, as if the thought hadn't occured to him. Before meeting Jason, he hasn't been human long enough to develop true habits and preferences of his own, so the truth is very simply that in this case... he doesn't quite know. Can't recall if a breakfast, no matter how small or little, was something he needed and wanted, if skipping it was something he had to force himself into, as opposed to preferring it that way. So he shrugs, nose wrinkling a little. It's a small hint of the old Castiel, his immediate impatience upon discovering anything at all that he can't figure out immediately. Not self-loathing, but a vast and ancient mind displeased with finding a question it can't answer.

Castiel is impatient and quick to annoy, even when the source is himself. Naturally, if he was fully himself again, he'd be more quick to blame Sam for asking stupid questions he doesn't happen to know the answer to.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam can't help but feel a little hopeful with that impatience. It means that the old Castiel, the one that would have snapped at him, isn't entirely gone. Little flashes like this are good.

"Tell you what," Sam says after a moment. "I'll let you borrow some shorts and a shirt and we can go get some coffee, at least. Maybe an apple. After that, I can help you figure out if you're hungry or not and we'll go from there."

It's an easy decision to start with, letting Sam do most of it. "Later, we'll go to Wal-Mart and get you some more clothes, too." Because Castiel's going to need more than what they have, at least for the time being while he heals.

[freetobe]

And it works. Castiel doesn't feel as if he's making a decision, though that's exactly what he does as he nods affirmative. The plan sounds good to him. Very logical, very simple, and very clear. He can handle those structures right now, and he's more than glad that Sam is giving him a red thread to follow, even if he doesn't realize that it was his own choice to pick up that thread.

"Coffee makes me feel less sluggish", he admits.

[fromfryingpantofire]

"Yeah, that tends to happen," Sam agrees, smiling slightly as he pushes himself out of bed. "Coffee is one of those things that we get through a lot of and is the first thing that's going in the morning, no matter what else we're doing. Even when we're on the road."

Which lets Castiel know that it's something normal for the household, that he's not putting anybody out by wanting coffee. And that it's normal to want it. Which Sam knows is something that's going to take time, getting Castiel to understand what's normal for them.

He goes to the drawers, opening them up to find something of his own that Castiel would be able to wear. He offers them over. "You want to use the bathroom first?"

[freetobe]

The first clue is the fact that Castiel looks at Sam is though he just asked a very silly question. The fallen angel waits a moment, as if expecting more to come, then shakes his head finally. "I'm fine."

It might just be that he's dehydrated to the point where his bladder didn't quite fill up.

Or, more likely, that whether it's for washing up, for relieving himself or for any other reason, he adheres to commands and shame.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Right. It's going to take time for Sam to get used to the way that he needs to handle things right now. Sam narrows his eyes in thought before nodding and grabbing his clothes. "I won't be long." He'd leave the shower until later. It's not necessary after last night, after all. "After breakfast, I'll give you a tour of the bunker. We don't have a hunt on the radar at the moment, so getting you settled and healed is going to be my priority." Letting Castiel know what's happening so that it's not a surprise.

[freetobe]

He picks up on the hint subconsciously more than anything, nodding to show he understood. "What would you like me to do?" Castiel needs a purpose, has always needed one. Hammer, ally, leader, enemy, toy. It's always been something, and he feels lost with nothing to do. It's not just another offer to serve Sam in bed - but to be of use again in general.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Which, thankfully, IS something that Sam's been thinking about. "The Men of Letters left one hell of a library here. I've been working on figuring out what's in there and getting it organized, so it would be great if you could help me out with that. And Kevin, for all that he's good at it, actually really hates doing research." Or, more specifically, research that he didn't see much use in. Which was a lot of what Sam and Dean did. "Don't get me wrong, Kevin's great in a lot of other capacities, but he's not great at being left in the library."

[freetobe]

Castiel is good at research. More importantly, perhaps, he likes research. So when Sam pitches the suggestion, he sits up a little, as if tentatively accepting something that feels like a reward. But he knows he needs to be careful. It's a task, a purpose, not a gesture of good will. He'll do well, and then maybe he will be praised.

"I can do that. I would like to do that."

[fromfryingpantofire]

It's the most lively Sam's seen Castiel since they got him back, which he's taking as a good sign. A sign that the research is something that he'd enjoy, which is what Sam wants. Just something to give him a chance to help get himself back together. "Good. It was going to be part of the tour anyway, but we'll come back for something more in depth after we do the shopping." Get Castiel some comfortable clothes. "Once we've done that, I can leave you to familiarizing yourself with the books?"

He knows Dean and he knows his brother is champing at the bit to get back to Jason and to kick his ass. Sam's the same way. More than that, they need to get any of Castiel's money out from under the guy's thumb, though Sam figures that's not likely now. Once Jason realized that Castiel's gone, the bank account was probably closed out. Something they'll deal with later.

[freetobe]

Leave him...

those are the only words that stick for a moment or two, as Castiel stands still and processes what Sam's trying. Tries to process it at least. Finally, he nods. He needs to remember that Sam doesn't mean to abandon him, just... leave him to his own devices in the library.

But Jason used Castiel's issues with being abandoned against him very well, and for a moment he almost despairs.

Castiel licks his lips, then nods, the moment of rising panic passing. "That sounds agreeable."

[fromfryingpantofire]

It's not that Sam doesn't know the panic is there. He's gotten used to reading the angel's face over the years and he's not nearly as good at hiding his emotions now as he used to be. And he's ready to step in and reassure Castiel, but he wants to give Castiel a moment to see if he can sort things through himself.

"Kevin's going to be here all afternoon, but Dean and I need to head out and get some stuff that we're running low on. You can help me sort that stuff out and put it away when we get back." Which means it's hunting stuff. And, really, if Sam's going to leave Castiel to the library, he should know where things go in the bunker. There's no telling when they might need to call on him while they're hunting.

He gathers up his clothes. "Come on. Let's get a start on the day, at least." Even if Castiel isn't going to eat a proper breakfast, he's gotten Castiel to agree to some fruit. That's a good start.