He's as damned as he seems/And more Heaven than a heart could hold (NSFW)

[fromfryingpantofire]

They tended to switch bars a lot, never sticking to any one location and they'd drive out a ways away from the bunker. Lebanon was way too small for them to hit up the bars there very often, but it wasn't that far to the state line and there were other towns around, too.

Sam and Dean had gone their separate ways tonight, each planning to hustle pool or cards in a different place. As usual these days, Castiel had come with Sam. The former angel had picked up pool rather quickly, which wasn't surprising considering it was pretty much all math and angles. For the moment, though, Sam was the one cleaning the table with the current set of drunkards who had decided to try their hand against him.

He looked up just as he finished the current game, gathering up the money that had been bet. He'd been going to call out to Castiel, but the sound died in his throat when he saw someone else was talking to the other man. Someone who was entirely too close for Sam's liking.

He nodded to the other players, pocketing the money before walking over and putting a hand between Castiel's shoulder blades before letting it slip down. "Hey, Cas. Who's your friend?"

Comments

[fromfryingpantofire]

That was probably a bad way to phrase it, but it's all Sam has at the moment. He finishes untying Castiel, then moves up beside him to place his hand against Castiel's lower back. "Come on. Up onto the bed and I'll check your back. We'll put the bruise cream on in the morning."

It will have to be punishment enough, not having any further treatment for the stripes than what is absolutely necessary that night. Sam doesn't particularly like it, but Castiel is being too quiet and too hard on himself because the punishment was called early.

He reaches up, stroking his fingers through Castiel's hair. Then he does something he rarely does, leaning in to kiss Castiel's head near his ear. "I love you, Cas. No matter what, that's always going to be true."

[freetobe]

"Sam..."

And Castiel leans into the touch. The scene... is over, he can't possibly break the rules anymore than he has tonight, and he's received punishment. For now, that has to be enough, even if it doesn't feel like enough. No punishment scene can change the fundamental truth of their emotions, though, and for that he is grateful. So Castiel nods.

"on the bed. Bruise cream in the morning," he repeats softly, and complies without further protest or discussion, lowers himself onto his front so that Sam can check the large square of pain that is Castiel's back, ass, thighs.

[fromfryingpantofire]

It's definitely a relief when Castiel doesn't fight him any more on finishing the scene. Sam sighs, closing his eyes a moment before he stands and goes to sit on the bed, carefully not touching the skin of Castiel's back.

It's definitely difficult to look at and he knows he handed out far too much punishment for what had happened that night. He looks it over closely, though, and nods finally, satisfied that the skin didn't split and that Castiel was mostly okay. He pulls the sheet over Castiel, knowing he won't be able to take anything heavier tonight. Possibly not for a few nights.

Then he goes around the bed to climb in on his side, moving over so that he's right next to Castiel. "Come on," he says softly. "You can use me as a pillow tonight, yeah?"

[freetobe]

Castiel complies withthat as well, not because it's an order, but because it's an offer he had hoped would be made. It's the final proof that they'll be alright, the two of them, despite what happened tonight. He relaxes as he scoots over, aligns himself along Sam's side and rests his head on the man's chest. There's warmth to be shared there, a steady heartbeat that lulls Castiel slowly to sleep, a familiar scene that speaks of him. Just before he drifts off, he murmurs 'I love you, too'.

Castiel wakes up early the next morning, mainly because he aches and enjoyed deep, restful slumber in Sam's arms otherwise. Disentangling himself is not an easy task without waking the young man, but he manages, though it takes a soft kiss to prevent him from stirring awake. Castiel winces when he pulls on one of Sam's shirt and his sweatpants before shuffling outside the room quietly and towards the kitchen. Every step is painful, but he has some missteps to make up for, and the kitchen is where he can start on that. Just a simple breakfast.

He'll manage that without burning the place down, surely.

How hard can it be?

Luckily Dean wakes up and intervenes before Castiel can ruin the second carton of eggs. He notices the way the fallen angel carries himself, as if the presence of Sam's oversized giant moose shirt on Castiel wasn't indication enough, but he knows not to say anything. He can't claim to understand the life style they've chosen, but he knows it's not abuse. Everything they do happens with utter consent and under strict rules of safety and security. They're in good hands with one another.

Doesn't mean Dean's not gonna fuss over Cas if they had a... well. Uh. Rough night.

Heh.

So he presses a carton of cereal, a bowl, spoon and milk into Castiel's arm, certain that he can't mess that up, and sends him to laze on the couch and watch Kevin play video games or bicker with him over whether they can't switch to Saturday morning cartoons, or whatever, while he goes to make proper breakfast and coffee.

Castiel is a little shit and only takes the carton of cereal.

When Sam enters the kitchen, too long hair sticking up everwhere, Dean grins. "Mornin' sunshine. Cas is vegging on the couch. You two... good?"

[fromfryingpantofire]

Really, once Sam had fallen asleep, the night just flew by. He vaguely knew that Castiel got up well before him, but as he didn't hear any signs of pain or major discomfort, he let the kiss lull him back to sleep.

So when he enters the kitchen, blurry-eyed and in need of coffee, he's a bit surprised to see Dean there. The grin surprises him, too, before the question makes its way through his brain. "Huh? Oh, yeah, we're good. Just a bit of a difficult night. Cas was in a weird mood all last night."

I don't have a Dean account, so Dean now looks remarkably like Cas.

[freetobe]

Dean shakes his head a little. "Dude, no offense, but glad I didn't hear any of that. Coffee's almost done, I'm making eggs." He waits for Sam to sit down at the kitchen table, gives him a look and makes a nondescript gesture with the spatula. "So, uh. He didn't tell you? 'bout the news segment." Go figure. Castiel has learned life choices straight out of the Winchester Handbook of Stupidity.

I think Sam can tell the difference. ;)

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam sits, snorting at that. "Yeah, well. I'm pretty glad you didn't hear any of it last night, either." Because, seriously, it had been difficult enough for Sam to go through. He didn't need Dean or Kevin coming in because of what they heard.

He folds his hands in front of his face, though, raising an eyebrow. "Uh. Yeah, that would be a no. What news segment?" Sam had been researching most of the day the day before and hadn't gotten to see the news. Looks like that might have been a mistake.

ARE YOU SUUUUUUURE?

[freetobe]

"Yeah. It was about that time a few years when 'some crazy, unidentified man' went around the country and killed a few hundred people from religious backgrounds."

Dean gives him a look, because aside from Kevin they all know what happened back then. They all know who the man is.

"Cas got a bit weird after that. I told him to go to the bar with you in my place. Figured it'd take his mind off things."

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam straightens up, frowning at that. Then cursing himself soundly in his own head. "I'd completely forgotten it was that time of year again." To be fair, when it had first happened, he'd been more out of it than normal. The days had all blurred together a bit. "That...actually explains a lot of his actions last night. He was doing a lot of pushing, a lot of wanting to be..." He trailed off because...yeah, not really a thing he ever talks about with Dean. Sure, Dean doesn't really mind their relationship, but he doesn't get it and he really wouldn't get the punishment stuff.

[freetobe]

Dean raises his eyebrows and, childishly, covers his ears. Because yeah, there are some things he has no desire to hear, and he has a feeling this will go into that direction. "Proud of you for getting laid and all, Sammy, but mind the details." Dean shakes his head, heaps eggs and bacon onto two plates and pushes them towards Sam with a dismissive shooing motion. "Go. You two girls have feelings to talk about."

[fromfryingpantofire]

"What can I say? I'm still making up for all the nights I spent sleeping in the Impala, man." Still, Sam smiles a bit and takes the plates. "Where'd you send Cas to hang out?" Because if Dean's seen Castiel this morning, he definitely sent him off somewhere. "Also, dude. Coffee." Pause. "Please."

Because both he and Castiel love their coffee.

[freetobe]

"Couch. He looked a bit stiff so I figured he can relax by being a know-it-all to Kevin or something. Better then watching him destroy our food reserves. Tell him he's helpless, man."

And two mugs of coffee come right after the plates. Sam's black, and Castiel's with too much milk and sugar, because apparently the sweet tooth runs in the family.

"Now shoo. I have a kitchen to clean."

Not that he can believe how girly he sounds... but really, Cas made a mess.

And Castiel, just as Dean told him to, was lunging on the couch with his box of cereal, munching on piece after piece. He's opted not to annoy Kevin until he gets cartoons, but is currently taking it upon himself to alert the boy to strategically poor decisions about five seconds after it's too late to do anything about them.

It's a good start into the day, all things considered, even though he failed on the breakfast front.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam grins at his brother, picks up the tray and heads for the living room. Or, at least, what they've designated as the living room. It works well and that's where the TV goes.

He rolls his eyes at Castiel and Kevin, shaking his head as he heads to Castiel's couch to put the tray on the coffee table in front of it. "Dean made food," he tells them both. But, of course, only sent Sam out with breakfast for himself and Castiel. Which is possibly a signal to Kevin that Sam and Castiel need to talk or something. Or maybe he's already made his own breakfast.

He pulls the coffee table close to the couch, touching Castiel's arm to get him to sit up a bit so that Sam can sit by his head.

[freetobe]

"Sweet," Kevin decides. With a last exasperated glance at Castiel, he saves his game and shuts it off. The TV right along with it. A last defiant act to deprive Castiel of entertainment as he heads towards the kitchen.

Castiel meanwhile sits up to make room for Sam and put away the cereal box. Better breakfast is to be had, now, and truth be told he's hungry.

"Good morning, Sam," he murmurs, still not entirely sure where they stand right now. Or what Dean might've said. But Sam's joined him on the couch with breakfast and coffee - therefore, it can't have been too bad. "I had hoped to bring you breakfast. I'm afraid we'll need to buy more eggs."

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam chuckles, grabbing the remote control from where Kevin had set it before he sits down, putting a hand on Castiel's shoulder to let him know he can lay down again. If he wants to. Though eggs are hard to eat while laying down, he knows.

"We can get more eggs," he replies, reaching up to stroke Castiel's hair, ignoring the brand of the black collar around Castiel's neck for the moment. "I think Dean's more annoyed at the amount of cleaning he has to do. I keep telling him he should actually teach you to cook, but I don't think he wants to lose control of his kitchen."

It had been a slow thing, but the bunker has become home to them all. Even Sam, who has never had a home before in his life, has started to accept that.

[freetobe]

The eggs will have to wait a little. Castiel isn't too concerned with eating them hot or cold. But getting his head in Sam's lap takes priority. It's a good lap, especially while the black collar still remains firmly in place, and his entire back hurts. It's a comfort.

"Dean is very territorial like that," Castiel agrees. He doesn't mind though. Eventually Dean will cave and teach Castiel enough basics that he'll be able to feed himself something more advanced than a PB&J. "You are, too. I fear for Kevin's well-being whenever he puts a book back in the wrong spot."

[fromfryingpantofire]

"Pfft. Kevin knows better than that." If Kevin can't remember where he got a book from, he leaves it on his table. It's much easier for Sam to put them back. One of the first things he did, after all, was memorize the Men of Letters' filing system.

Sam drops his hand to Castiel's hair, stroking it gently. Finally, he breaks the silence. "Dean told me about the news report yesterday," he says quietly.

[freetobe]

Castiel noticeably tenses at that comment. It's not the tension that comes when he tries to remove himself from a situation, but a decidedly uncomfortable one still. His fingers curl slightly in the fabric of Sam's jeans, and he can feel every lick of the cane and the flogger all over again.

"Did he."

He doesn't know what to say. How to explain that he needed punishment, needed someone to make him face the pain and suffering he causes, replicate it on his skin. Heaven deals swift punishments for transgressions too. Torture not unlike what happens in Hell. Worse in some ways, when they cut into your mind. Now that he's merely human, Castiel has no one left to rightfully punish him. No one but Sam, whose punishments he can only earn by breaking the rules they laid out for themselves.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam keeps his hand steady on Castiel's hair, feeling the tension and letting it sit there for a moment. Because Castiel has earned it, is allowed to be tense without Sam immediately trying to soothe it away.

He finally settles his hand at the back of Castiel's neck, above where the reddened skin from the night before lay. "I knew there was more going on last night than you were letting me see, but I didn't make the connection with the time of year. And I didn't ask, didn't try to get you to explain why you wanted to be punished so badly last night. I know, you might not have been able to properly verbalize it even if I had, but I should have tried." He goes back to stroking Castiel's hair. "I wish you had said something, though. We could have worked something out without you having to resort to such extremes."

[freetobe]

He turns around then, mindful of the hand in his hair and of the wounds on his back, until he can scoot closer and rest his face against Sam's stomach. It could be lewd, given the proximity to Sam's crotch, but really it's just Castiel seeking his dom's warmth, the security of his presence.

"I'm sorry."

Because he really, truly, is. What he did wasn't fair to Sam, to what they share. And now Sam is trying to place blame on himself.

"It's not your fault, it's mine. I shouldn't have pushed for something without giving you a chance to understand what and why. I was not good to you last night."

It could have gone differently, he thinks. Maybe they could have agreed on punishment instead of Castiel trying to provoke it and going too far, forcing Sam into something neither of them had really wanted.

[fromfryingpantofire]

"I think there's enough fault here to go around," Sam replies, careful of Castiel's back and not wanting to hurt him more. "I think we can agree that it wasn't good for either of us last night and that we'll try not to do that again."

It could certainly be lewd, but neither of them is aroused by the situation. He combs his fingers through Castiel's hair again, just letting the motion settle them both.

[freetobe]

"I was never held accountable for everything I did. Yes, you and Dean were angry with me and eventually forgave me, but that was for the crimes I committed against you specifically."

It's difficult to talk about this, even now. But Castiel owes it to Sam. Maybe that, along with what happened last night, can be part of his punishment.

"But I haven't been punished for what I did to Heaven, to Earth. For the thousands whose lives I took."

And yet he's unaware that no one in the world can punish him as hard as he punishes himself. That, maybe, is something Sam can relate to better than anyone else.

[fromfryingpantofire]

"I don't think there's a way to fully punish you for that," Sam admits. "Not the way that you think you need to be punished. Besides, I think you do a very good job of that yourself." Which, yes, Sam can very much relate to. Nobody has ever punished him nearly as much as he punishes himself for the things he's done in his best.

Probably the closest had been Lucifer. Sam refuses to even consider those methods.

"And I don't know about Dean, but for me? My forgiveness was never only about what you had done to me. My forgiveness was...well, for all of it. Because I know that desperation, the one that eats at you and makes you do things you wouldn't because there's a hope, just a glimmer of one, that things will turn out better if you go that direction. Even when it turns out entirely wrong." Sam lays his hand on top of Castiel's head, almost in benediction. "If I can't forgive you for that hope, why would I ever deserve forgiveness for what I'd done for similar reasons? I wasn't lying when I said that I still thought you were one of us. In fact, I think that may have made you more of a Winchester than anything else could have."

They'd all three of them fucked up for hope. For the love of something larger than themselves. Maybe they didn't deserve the forgiveness, but they still had it, anyway.

[freetobe]

Castiel turns his head. The angel isn't ideal to look up at Sam, but he manages. Has to, wants to. Sam is his anchor in so many ways, and to be so thoroughly forgiven and absolved of his sins... it's almost too much. It's more than Castiel deserves, certainly, and it's all so backwards. He should be the one comforting Sam, this precious man who's been through so much and deserve the love and forgiveness and trust of something holy.

So Castiel reaches up and cups Sam's cheek, strokes it with a thumb. It's rare that he reaches out in affection, mostly because he still struggles with the concept of physically showing it. He's worked out hugs, and he thinks he's doing very well with sex, but small gestures like this still sometimes baffle him. It just means he needs to practice applying them.

This seems like a good moment to do so.

"I'm very old, Sam. I've seen the dawn of Creation, witnessed the long path it took for scattered atoms to become everything around us right now." Castiel pauses, thinks of how to tell Sam this. And then just says it, with no regard to how such a blunt, profound statement might sound: "If weighed against the years of my existence, you shouldn't be much more than a speck of dust to me. A small spark of light, gone before it registers. But to me you're the most precious thing to have come out of my Father's efforts."

[fromfryingpantofire]

He has the love and forgiveness and trust of something holy, though. Something that Castiel proves once again with his gentle touch and loving, if blunt, words.

Sam reaches up, taking the hand against his cheek and turning his head to place a kiss in the center of Castiel's palm. "I don't even know if your Father is listening, but I still thank him every day for you coming into our lives." He reaches out, stroking his fingers over Castiel's hair again. "We should probably eat. Then I'll take you back to bed and we can get some of that bruise cream onto your back and ass."

Not something he would have said had Dean or Kevin been in the room, but safe enough for the moment. "I think it's probably going to be a few days before we can do much."