For your love, I'm sorry/For your pain, don't worry

[fromfryingpantofire]

It had been happening little by little. Almost small enough increments not to be noticed, but Sam and Dean were both masters of noticing little details. It was the line between life and death far too many times.

(At least when they wanted to. Both were entirely too good at not seeing the forest for the trees when it was something they didn't want to know about.)

It had been slow, but steady. Sam and Dean had their hunts and Castiel had his job and his own life separate from their own. Especially once he got a boyfriend. It was only natural that they didn't get a chance to meet up as often.

But it wasn't just that. More and more often, Castiel begged off from meeting up or simply didn't answer voicemails left for him. And when they were able to get together, Castiel was quieter and obviously pulling away. It was worrying and Sam and Dean sat down and talked about it in the bunker, even pulling Kevin into it. They all agreed that, even if there wasn't a problem, they needed to at least check up on the former angel.

Which was why Sam was outside the gas station in one of the cars from the Men of Letters' garage, waiting on Castiel to finish his shift. This was something that was better talked about in person, anyway.

((Content warning for discussions of abuse and abusive relationships. Also BDSM done wrong.))

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[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam's hand tightens on Castiel's, not letting go. Because, yes. There's a part of Sam that has wanted Castiel to want him for years now. Maybe since the first time they had met and Castiel had pronounced him "The Boy with the Demon Blood".

Sam broke eye contact, lifting his head to press a kiss to Castiel's forehead. "You are my friend, Cas. I care about you and I want you to be safe, first and foremost."

Couldn't look Castiel in the eyes because he might see just how damaged Sam was, how broken bits of him still were. "We'll deal with your needs, help you find a safe way to deal with them. After that...we'll see."

[freetobe]

He'd be safe with Sam, he would be. Castiel almost wants to beg, because the thought, the mere suspicion and fear that he has to face the future without a dom for now, alone and without the kind of guidance and control that he needs so much, is terrifying.

He took everyone Jason tossed at him just to not lose that.

But Castiel will be safe with Sam no matter what, even if Sam can't take away the terror of every day life just yet. He can let Castiel find the ground beneath his feet again, at least.

"I don't want to be alone," Castiel admits. It's not why he's offered himself to Sam. But it's a different level of everything that makes him feel wrong right now.

[fromfryingpantofire]

"You don't have to offer me sex not to be alone," Sam says softly, pulling Castiel closer into another hug. He really does need to look over Castiel, but for the moment, this feels more important. "I'm going to work with you so that you can understand what you want out of this, Cas. What you like and don't like and the best ways for you to get it safely. It's going to take time, but we'll get you there, I promise."

[freetobe]

"And until then?"

He feels rotten for asking, but it's a concern. Will he be forced to remain alone untl then, lost in he sea that is free will and humanity, out of balance every waking moment?

What if Jason calls.

What if he calls Jason.

Castiel wraps his arms around Sam and holds on, anchors himself in what little way he can.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Whatever resistance Sam might have had crumbles in the face of the way Castiel wraps around him. He reminds himself that Castiel's been through something very difficult, that he's clinging to the one person who seems to know what's going on.

It doesn't stop him for a moment from wishing it were more than that.

He lays his hand against Castiel's back. "I promised that I would be the one in control. For now. I have a better idea of what you need than you do, though for the moment, I'm pretty sure what you need is to be treated and to sleep." Which comes to another problem. "Do you...I don't know if you want to sleep on your own or not."

[freetobe]

"I don't sleep on my own."

And then Castiel stiffens, as if expecting reprimand. Clings just a little harder, maybe - and what little strength he has must seem pitiful to Sam.

Tentatively, he looks up. There's doubt in his eyes, the steel behind blue eyes beaten down into something unnaturally delicate.

"I don't want to sleep alone."

But even small, delicate things can remember they have a sharp, willful edge or two. Even when Castiel looks like he expects a beating, both for speaking as if he's adhering to Jason's rules, and for declaring what he wants - forbidden according to Jason's rules.

[fromfryingpantofire]

It's going to take a lot of time to deal with that particular reaction Castiel has to voicing his wants and opinions.

Sam nods slowly. "All right. You're still going to have your own room in the bunker because you deserve your own space to retreat to. A place where none of us will go unless invited." Which was going to be important for helping him get his head back on straight. "It's not somewhere you have to go, just somewhere that's available for you.

"For tonight, at least, you'll stay in my room." Which was actually a bit of a help because it would allow Sam to monitor his wounds better. "But. There's still no sex, all right? You still don't owe me anything."

[freetobe]

It's unnerving, to say the least, and Castiel isn't sure whether he's relieved or unsettled as a result. But he nods, accepts Sam's way of doing things for now.

His own room... with the ability to lock the door.

It's a nice idea, but it also makes his head spin because it sounds and feels so wrong, initially. What would Jason say. And will Sam be as okay with it as he claims right now?

Castiel wants to be used, if only because that's all he knows, and not having it happen sends him reeling, makes him want to be able to cling in other ways. Instead, he carefully pulls away to stand on his own. Nods and turns around, not trusting his idle hands for now, and not thinking about what kind of image his back will present to Sam.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Honestly, Sam figures that he's not going to be sleeping on his own for a good, long while right now. He might even be okay with never sleeping alone again, but it's going to depend a lot on what Castiel needs.

He lets Castiel go, letting him turn around. "Reach out and put your hands against the wall, Cas," he says, giving Castiel something to do with his hands. Only once he's done that does Sam take a look at the other man's back.

It still takes a moment to understand what he's seeing. He'd seen blood on Castiel's back, of course, but he'd thought it was new. Now that he can see it fully, Sam finds himself having to take a breath to control his anger. Because now he can see the scars that Jason had painted on Castiel's skin, the mockery of wings that had to take months to put in place. He shakes himself, turning to get the first aid kit that Dean had pushed into the bathroom before bringing it back. "I don't think any of these are going to need stitches." Some of the older ones probably should have, but it was far too late for that. "I'm going to put some antiseptic on the fresh cuts and then cover them with gauze. Just to keep them clean."

He has to put aside his anger for the time being. He doesn't want Castiel to think that he's angry at him, after all, and he's not certain his friend would be able to distinguish his anger at the moment.

[freetobe]

Castiel is silent for a long while, just standing there with his hands against the wall, and letting Sam work on his back for a while. He knows the ugliness that his friend is currently facing and working on, knows what image they represent.

"I told him I'm an angel. He said falling from having must have been painful for me to like pain so much now. Jason wanted to give me back my wings."

He looks over his shoulder, his eyes almost pleading. "He meant well."

[fromfryingpantofire]

Jason had probably thought that Castiel was crazy, honestly. And he hadn't cared.

Sam finishes treating the cuts that need it, putting some gauze over the freshest, at least for the night. He steps forward, rubbing his hands over Castiel's shoulders. "He may have meant well. But his artistic interpretation leaves a lot to be desired." The 'wings' were crude and made a mockery of what Castiel had been. Still was, as far as Sam is concerned. "I'm going to leave the room so you can use the bathroom. I'm sure you don't want an audience for that." And Sam's sure he doesn't want to see it, either. Really not his kink. "I'll have to treat the tears in your ass when we have a chance, but it's mostly just going to be keeping the area as clean as we can."

[freetobe]

Jason had considered Castiel crazy. Castiel doesn't know this, and is therefore blissfully unaware that this was precisely why Jason had wanted to keep him around - thinking Castiel someone with just a few screws loose, clingy and dependent but not dangerous, and not illegal. How else would he be so sheltered, so clueless about so many things, so sweetly submissive when pressured just right. How desperate to please and not be sent away.

The cruelest punishments had been when Jason had started packing a bag for Castiel, silently threatening to get rid of him.

Castiel had begged on those days, too painfully reminded of being tossed out of Heaven, tossed out of the bunker, too.

Now, he just nods, too ashamed to apologize once more for putting this all on Sam, making Sam have to deal with him. They may be friends and he's still more than willing to die for the Winchesters, but he never intended to involve them in the failure of his sex life and relationship like this.

He wonders if Dean will consider him a baby again, an infant unable to take care of itself. Wonders if Sam might not secretly think the same, now that his thoughts are safe from Castiel's prying gaze.

"Are you going to be far?"

And he loathes himself for having to ask this question for his own comfort. Even worse...

"Are you going to lock me in?"

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam picks up one of the towels, wrapping it around his waist. The questions make him turn back, though, shaking his head. "No, I'm not going far. Only just outside the door. And the door won't be locked, just closed. Just call out when you want me to come back in."

He takes a moment, then reaches up to place his hand against the back of Castiel's neck. "It'll be all right. Not tonight and maybe not for a while, but you'll get there. You have me and Dean and Kevin. We're here for you, all right?"

[freetobe]

He almost forgot about Kevin, and suddenly he feels all the more ashamed. To have Dean and Sam see him like this is bad enough. He's not sure he can take the judgement of a prophet on top of that. But what other choice does he have?

Well.

He can always call Jason.

The thought is almost as comforting as it is terrifying.

"I'll make it up to you. I swear, Sam, I will."

[fromfryingpantofire]

"Cas." Sam reaches out, taking one of Castiel's hands to give it a squeeze. "There's nothing to make up to me. To any of us. You're family." Which, for Sam, is all that's necessary. All that's important. "I'm just going to be outside. Take as much time as you need in here, all right? I'm not going anywhere until you're ready to come with me."

[freetobe]

Castiel merely nods. He doesn't move again until Sam has left, the door clicking shut behind him. Though it remains unlocked, the sound is terrifying.

He's been locked in the bathroom before. In the basement, too. In the cupcoard, once or twice. When he failed to learn properly. Jason was always fair in that he made sure to punish all transgressions, and Castiel always supposed he just hadn't gotten good enough to earn rewards yet.

He's not so sure about that anymore. He's not so sure about anything anymore.

So Castiel takes his time, trying to quell the rising panic. Sometimes he treads towards the door, presses his ear to it. Waits until he hears Sam shifting outside, or clearing his throat, or talking in low voices with Dean or Kevin.

It would be comforting if he didn't remember being locked up in the bathroom, too cold water uncomfortably filling him and causing cramps, Jason banging on the door to get his attention and make sure his boy would be as clean as he wanted him to be.

Castiel asked never to do that again, earning him three days tied to the cot in the basement, spreader bar holding him open for use, but unable to do anything but lie there and wait for something to happen.

Jason petted his hair afterwards, and said Cas was so close to doing well, so close to making Jason proud.

Castiel leaves the bathroom half an hour after Sam left him to his own devices. "I#m ready now," he says. And wonders if that almost makes Sam proud, too.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam had left for a moment, but only because he needed to use the bathroom as well. Which meant he left Dean on the door, though he's back before Castiel opens the door to the bathroom.

When the door opens, Sam turns and smiles, offering his arm to Castiel. "All right. Come on, let's get you to bed. You could probably use some sleep."

[freetobe]

Castiel doesn't speak as Sam leads him to his room, and the fallen angel feels somewhat guilty again, at intruding here. He knows that this is different than a motel bed - this bed is Sam's, and Castiel shouldn't impose by sleeping on it. And yet he can't help but want to remain, and doesn't offer to sleep in his own room after all.

It's strange to slip under the covers dressed, and knowing that he's not supposed to part his legs. It's strange that all he can do to recreate the intimacy he associates with the bedroom is to curl his fingers into the sleeve of Sam's shirt, and lay just close enough to feel his body heat without touching him.

Sleep doesn't come easily to Castiel. But it comes, and if he dreams, then it's in stillness and silence, with only a hint of wetness on his cheeks the next morning.

[fromfryingpantofire]

By the time morning comes, their sleeping positions have shifted somewhat. It's almost entirely subconscious on Sam's part, but he's been feeling protective of Castiel for days now. Ever since seeing him at the convenience store. So it's not much of a surprise, to him, to wake up with his nose buried in the soft hair at the back of Castiel's head, on his side and curled around the other man's body. Spooning him, though thankfully, his dick hadn't decided to get in on the act. No morning wood for Castiel to misinterpret. It might be bad enough, waking up like this.

And yet, Sam can't make himself feel bad about the way that he's woken up. Because a part of him has wanted this for years and he can only hope at the moment that it makes Castiel feel safe rather than anything else.

He closes his eyes, feigning sleep for a little longer. So that this can be accidental rather than leaving them sleeping this way on purpose.

[freetobe]

Castiel wakes slowly.

That doesn't happen too often - he's used to having to get up early, preparing breakfast, going to work. It's become a routine. He can't usually afford to sleep in, to be lazy. But exhaustion has a tight grip on him now, and the bed is warm, so warm.

Waking up brings with it the sensation of an arm, and half-asleep Castiel burrows into the body behind, muttering something unintelligible but apparently content. He almost drifts off again, feeling safe, feeling protected, feeling warm.

But then his waking mind catches up with his body, and he tenses. Opens his eyes and stares straight ahead into darkness, not yet comprehending that he sees an unfamiliar bedroom.

"Jason?" he whispers, tension making his body stiff and his voice shake. But then he exhales, the tension bleeds out from his muscles again and he wraps his fingers around the arm around his middle. This isn't Jason's bedroom. "Sam..." he whispers instead, remembering where he is.

With Sam, who takes care of him but won't sleep with him.

[fromfryingpantofire]

At some point, Sam goes from feigning sleep to dozing back off again. Not deeply, though, which is why he starts waking up when Castiel tenses against his chest.

He makes a tired sound against Castiel's hair, glad that Castiel comes to realize he's safe before Sam has to be awake enough to confirm it. "Hey, Cas," he murmurs, voice raspy from sleep. He tightens his arm, giving Castiel that little bit more comfort. "You sleep okay?"

It's not that he doesn't want to have sex with Castiel. It's that, right now, it would definitely not be a great idea.

[freetobe]

Castiel is currently incapable of discerning between right and wrong, good and bad. Doing nice things and sex have become entangled in his mind - he'll learn to separate them again, learn to regain the perspective he used to have and should have. Right now, he's not sure what to make of their situation, but doesn't feel their position is one he should leave. Instead, he idly picks at the blanket wrapped around them.

"I slept."

[fromfryingpantofire]

"That's good. I could feel you were having some trouble when we laid down, but I'm glad you were able to sleep in the end." And he really does need to pull away, to stop wanting to bury his face in the soft, short hairs at the back of Castiel's neck. Instead, he pulls away and rolls onto his back. "Are you hungry? Dean's probably up and making something."

[freetobe]

"I don't eat breakfast."

He's supposed to stay lean. Castiel usually eats salad for lunch, and then a light dinner. He also usually eats what Jason picks, no questions asked. But he doesn't feel like explaining that right now, though he knows he should. He sits up instead, looks over at Sam, and is utterly unaware of his bedhead.

[fromfryingpantofire]

The bedhead gets a fond smile from Sam, his fingers curling into the comforter so that he doesn't reach out and try to smooth it down. As much as he'd love to. "Is that personal preference or something that Jason's instilled in you?" Sam asks. "Because...I mean, if you'd rather not eat breakfast, that's fine. But it's pretty early and it's going to be a while until lunch."