fromfryingpantofire | For your love, I'm sorry/For your pain, don't worry

Entry tags:

castiel,
rp

For your love, I'm sorry/For your pain, don't worry

It had been happening little by little. Almost small enough increments not to be noticed, but Sam and Dean were both masters of noticing little details. It was the line between life and death far too many times.

(At least when they wanted to. Both were entirely too good at not seeing the forest for the trees when it was something they didn't want to know about.)

It had been slow, but steady. Sam and Dean had their hunts and Castiel had his job and his own life separate from their own. Especially once he got a boyfriend. It was only natural that they didn't get a chance to meet up as often.

But it wasn't just that. More and more often, Castiel begged off from meeting up or simply didn't answer voicemails left for him. And when they were able to get together, Castiel was quieter and obviously pulling away. It was worrying and Sam and Dean sat down and talked about it in the bunker, even pulling Kevin into it. They all agreed that, even if there wasn't a problem, they needed to at least check up on the former angel.

Which was why Sam was outside the gas station in one of the cars from the Men of Letters' garage, waiting on Castiel to finish his shift. This was something that was better talked about in person, anyway.

((Content warning for discussions of abuse and abusive relationships. Also BDSM done wrong.))

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Letting out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, Sam nods as well, sliding his hand to the back of Castiel's head. His hair feels grimy and who knows what Jason had done to Castiel, but a shower is definitely needed.

"This is going to hurt," he tells Castiel. "I'll do my best to make it as quick and smooth as possible, but there's no way that this isn't going to hurt."

He waits for Castiel to acknowledge it before he bends, picking the other man up bridal style. "Just keep breathing. We'll be to the bathroom in just a minute."

He makes his way through the halls of the bunker, Dean peeling off to look for a room near both their rooms so that they can hear Castiel if he needs them. Sam, on the other hand, heads straight for the bathroom, the sounds Castiel is making tugging at his heart. Luckily, they keep all their towels and toiletries in the bathroom, so there isn't another stop to make. Once they're through the door, Sam bends to put Castiel's feet back on the ground and help him stand, staying close so the former angel can lean on him. "There. I've still got you. We'll get you something for the pain when Dean brings in the first aid kit."

Castiel is shaking by the time Sam puts him down, still feeling oddly disconnected from himself, even though the pain, at least, is pronounced and very easily taken note of. He still has to lean against Sam.

And he dreads the moment Sam has to help him, has to...

Castiel can't even think it right now, has to focus on something else for a little while. Like how bad he is as a human. That he's failed at being an angel, a hunter, a human, a sub.

"Please don't let Dean see."

"I won't." Which, Sam has to admit, is still not bad. Castiel knows that he needs help and he's willing to accept it from Sam, even if he hates it.

Sam brings Castiel over to the wall near the shower and lets him lean against it while he gets the water going. "I'm not leaving the room, but I need to get some towels and the soap and a washcloth." No sponges. He had no idea what sort of injuries Castiel had. "You're going to need to tell me where it hurts, because I'm going to need to pay more attention to those places. See if there's any infection setting in."

If there is, they'll deal with it. But Sam's hoping that they don't have to worry about that. He keeps talking while he gathers what they need, including an extra couple of towels. "Dean will just put the first aid kit in the door when he brings it by. That way I can treat any injuries in here before we go find your room."

Castiel watches Sam quietly as he moves for a moment, dreading what's going to happen almost more than he would dread going back to Jason right now.

Jason is going to be so furious with him.

For now, Castiel slowly peels off his shirt, careful not to hurt himself more than necessary in the process. The sweatpants pool down easily enough, too. There's nothing sexual about his nudity, not even remotely, despite the toy still tucked away inside of him. This is about Sam trying to make sense of the patchwork of bruises and abrasions, the signs of abuse that dominated his and Jason's bedroom, the suffering so well documented on skin that lost its healthy tan.

He's still slick between his thighs, with too little lube, semen and a little blood, not even worth the effort to clean up.

The only thing Castiel doesn't touch is the collar.

He can't take it off, not yet.

Sam eyes the collar for a moment before looking Castiel in the eyes and doesn't try to take it off. The water will probably damage it, but it can't make the damn thing any worse. The collar's cheaply made and not well cared for in the first place.

He takes a few moments to get undressed himself, dropping his clothes to the side. There's nothing sexual about his nudity, either. He's done this with Dean, after all, when one of them is too injured to wash alone. Then he reaches out, taking Castiel's hand and drawing him into the shower and under the spray.

He'll look over the wounds soon, get to that plug and deal with it. For the moment, though, he just lets Castiel enjoy the not-quite-scalding hot shower.

Castiel stands with his back to the shower's wall, though he's currently not leaning on it as he lets the water just run over him for a moment. His arms are wrapped around himself, belying tension and discomfort. Part of him is still trying to hide from Sam, to shrink away.

It's not even that he's ashamed of the marks on his body, but they're private, intimate in ways Castiel hasn't known about before, and he feels strange sharing them with Sam, even though he knows he has to. Even though he knows he called for help, and wants help.

It still feels... off. Without Jason's commands, he's lost, as if he never learned to stand on his own feet after all.

And then slowly, still keeping his back to the wall, he reaches behind him, because it's getting worse with every passing moment, and he just needs to be rid of it right now.

Sam knows what he's reaching for, so he turns and grabs the chair, bringing it over. "It'll come out easier if you raise a leg." Because, yes, he's done this before. "I'll let you take care of it because...well, because." They weren't that close. Sam wasn't Castiel's dom, even if the one who had claimed the title was a piece of absolute shit.

Sam turns his back, giving Castiel as much privacy as he can manage. He'll absolutely help if Castiel asks for it, but he won't offer. Not just at this moment.

He tries, he really does. Castiel's fingers shake, but his body just locks up. He wants to be rid of the plug right now, but it's just not happening, he just locks up entirely, tenses. The angle is uncomfortable even with a raised leg, and Castiel bites into his fist to keep from crying out.

It hurts, just the attempt to remove it.

And as the minutes tick by, he realizes he has to ask for help.

"Sam... I can't... I don't think..." Castiel pauses. Just breathes for a moment. Then looks at Sam's back, despairing. "Sam, it hurts..."

It only takes a moment for Sam to turn back, immediately reaching out to take hold of Castiel, wrap an arm around his chest and hold him close. Just give him a moment to settle. "All right, Cas, all right. I'll take care of it."

It's really not what he wants to be thinking about right now. But he'd seen the blood and he knew he'd have to check, anyway. There might be tearing. Hopefully, it was all superficial.

He keeps hold of Castiel, arm across his chest as he reaches down to take hold of the base of the plug. "Just keep breathing and push, okay?" Sam says, keeping his voice low in Castiel's ear. "I know it hurts, but it'll feel better once it's out. Okay. Now, push."

Sam starts pulling at the same time. Not hard or fast, but steady and not letting Castiel go.

Castiel is dry.

It's a simple fact that without proper lubrication things... aren't exactly easy, and they prove not to be in Castiel's case. If there was even any lube to begin with, i didn't last, and when Sam pulls and Castiel pushes, he has to bite down on Sam's shoulder in order to not scream.

Human sensation is.... so intense.

Castiel wants to weep, and doesn't quite know how he lasts through this kind of torture.

He doesn't ask Sam to stop It would be unfair, because Sam can't stop, can't not pull, and Castiel knows that. Stil he clings to Sam with what little strength he has, and prays for this pain to be over soon.

There's blood and semen, but mostly blood.

"Fuck." Shit, that is not good.

Sam knows how to deal with it, though, and he should have thought about more lubrication, but there wouldn't have been any way to get it in. Not with as dry as Castiel is and how fucking big the plug is.

The plug itself could have been all right, with the right amount of lube and stretching. The fact that it's not, though, just makes Sam angrier. He closes his eyes and keeps pulling, letting Castiel bite and whimper all he needs to as he eases the plug out as best he can. Once that's done, he throws it away, just wrapping his arms around Castiel and holding him. "It's not your fault," he finally says, hand moving up to tangle in Castiel's wet hair. "I know that's how it feels and I know that's what Jason told you, but this isn't your fault, Cas. And I have you."

They'd deal with the blood in a few minutes, which isn't going to be comfortable for Castiel. But just for this minute, he lets Castiel lean against him and just holds him.

Castiel leans gratefully, just lets Sam support most of his weight for a moment. He feels oddly violated, though not by Sam. Never by Sam, no. He doesn't really know why he feels even more dirty now that he plug is gone. Maybe because he can't even do this along, has let himself be put into this position. There's a disconnect between his mind and body that's slowly bleeding into him again, and he welcomes it, doesn't really want anything to do with his limbs right that very moment.

His breath ghosts over Sam's wet shoulder, lips pressed to the warm flesh just because he doesn't want to move his head.

"I was the centerpiece for orgies. He said he wanted our guests to have a chance to worship me, and I... I wanted that. To be laid on an altar and pray with my flesh. So I agreed."

Sam nods, stroking his hands over abused flesh so carefully and just letting the water run over them both. Though there's a part of him, a very strong part, that is more than a little pissed off at the fact that people touched Castiel like that.

"There's nothing wrong with that," he says softly. "Though I'm pretty sure it didn't go the way you expected."

"No. It hurt."

Not in the way he wanted or expected either.

Emotionally, it left him cleaved wide open so much worse. Because he hadn't wanted it, but Jason had - until Castiel thought it sounded like a good idea, like something he wanted. Promises of a reality that happened differently.

Castiel feels used.

"My safe word didn't work..."

That makes Sam freeze, holding Castiel closer under the water. While he'd had his suspicions, the way that Castiel had reacted to the way they'd responded to his text, to hear Castiel actually say it...

"You mean that he ignored your safe word." It's not a question. He knows what 'didn't work' means in this case. "Cas, I'm so sorry. I didn't...we didn't know. If we had, we'd have been there so much sooner."

It's safe here, and Castiel knows that. Knows that the tightness of Sam's arms wards him against a world that's run off its axis.

"I didn't tell you. I couldn't bear the thought of you knowing I failed again. Something so simple as being human. How do you do it, Sam? I don't... I don't understand."

He shifts a little, presses a little closer. Seeking shelter. How has he never known how nice hugs are? He got a glimpse back in Purgatory, when Dean wrapped him in a hug, but he hadn't been able to understand and appreciate the gesture back then.

Castiel's no slouch in the height and weight department, or the muscle department. But Sam's just bigger over all and hugs from him tend to be pretty all encompassing.

He shakes his head. "You didn't fail, Cas. Hell, there are people who have been humans all their lives who end up in the same sort of situation." He reaches up, resting his hand against the back of Castiel's neck. "What happened there, the failure isn't on you. It's entirely on him. But we'll make certain it doesn't happen again. Now that you have an idea what you want, we can go the right way about it. Teach you about the things that you might want."

Sam dwarves everyone. Even Castiel. Even Dean. His hugs offer comfort and solace, a haven that shelters from a storm.

Castiel thinks he might not want to leave. Not for the time being, at least, until he feels like the world is upright again, and humanity isn't strangling him with every breath he takes.

"You know about these things. Do you have the same sort of desires, Sam? To follow, to have order when there is none left in the world, to submit control to someone you can believe in? Is that what you want, too?"

It's a question he's been expecting, but isn't certain how to answer. Because of Jason, there's no way to explain what he wants without possibly freaking Castiel out. After all, his only experience with dominants is...well, abuse.

Finally, Sam shakes his head. "No," he admits after a few moments. "No, I've never been the kind who gives up control easily. I prefer to be the one in control, to give order in chaos. My desires...I like being the one in control."

More than liked it, but this isn't the time to talk about it. Not like that, at least.

Castiel nods, and finds himself not at all surprised. Sam is a gentle person, but also firm. He has the potential for darkness, but the heart not to stray into it, past mistakes not counting.

He would be good, Castiel realizes, and quietly wonders why there is no one around to submit to Sam and be taken so thoroughly taken care of.

Wonders if it's because of the job. Feels it's a shame, because he's not... Sam's, yet he feels safer right here than he has since Metatron cut his grace away.

"Can you... be in control of me, for a while? Not... not like that, of course. Just. Can you help me help myself, Sam?"

The question eases something in Sam's shoulders and he sighs softly, nodding. He'd been afraid for a few moments that it would scare Castiel off. His only experience with doms being Jason and his friends and that just wasn't good.

He reaches for a washcloth, lathering it up to begin washing Castiel, his touch slow and gentle. "I will," he promises. "I'll teach you what you need to know. Start from the ground up, let you see how it's supposed to work." There's a club in town that Sam sometimes goes to, subs that will play with him. He makes a mental note to ask about a guest pass for Castiel. "Not for a few days, though. For the next few days, you need to concentrate on recovering. You've been badly hurt and you're going to need time for your body to heal so that your mind can focus better."

And it is so simple all of a sudden. They're not commands, because Sam is not his dom, but it's still easy to follow them, to just let Sam dictate his choices for now. It feels good, it feels right, and it gives him the stability he needs. Stands a little more on his own feet, although he doesn't draw away. He stays right where he is, just letting Sam wash away the pain and confusion. Willing to listen to him, now, because it's either than making the call himself just yet.

"Recovery, then learning. Yes, Sam."

For a moment longer he's silent, and then he closes his eyes, just focuses on the feeling.

"Is it that bad?"

Sam thinks for a moment about lying, but he doesn't want to start things that way with Castiel. "I'm not entirely certain," he said after a moment. "There was a lot of blood when I removed the plug, so there's obviously some tearing down there. So we're going to have to be careful of that for a few days, since we don't want it getting infected." Which was always a chance with any tearing in that area. "I'll go in the morning and get some supplies to keep the area as clean as we can.

"As for the rest." He kept the washcloth moving over Castiel's back. "I haven't had a chance to really look, yet. I'll have you turn around and lean against the wall so I can get a better look at your back. If you have any cuts, they'll need to be treated to drop the risk of infection there, too. Because if anything becomes too infected, we're going to have to go to the hospital."

"When I met Jason, I was trying to order at a diner. Outside the box, because I know humans need variety in their food to survive and be healthy. So I wanted to order something different. I must have looked lost. Jason slid into my booth. Said I was too handsome not to have company. I didn't understand the relation, but thanked him for the compliment. He ordered for me. It was nice."

His fingertips draw small patterns on Sam's back, to distract himself from the bad news.

"Everything was nice in the beginning. I should have realized when he said he didn't like you and Dean, didn't want me to spend so much time with you."

"Mmm. Well, there are a lot of people who don't like us." He couldn't even be mad about that, honestly. And it wasn't like Sam and Dean had fought it overmuch. "We just wanted you to be happy, so we didn't question it, either. We should have. Especially as that's a common technique among abusers. They separate their partner from friends and family that could help them, keep them isolated so that others don't realize what's happening."

It really was classic and they hadn't seen it until it was nearly too late. "After I saw you at work the other day, I was...I got concerned. We kinda had his place staked out."

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