For your love, I'm sorry/For your pain, don't worry

[fromfryingpantofire]

It had been happening little by little. Almost small enough increments not to be noticed, but Sam and Dean were both masters of noticing little details. It was the line between life and death far too many times.

(At least when they wanted to. Both were entirely too good at not seeing the forest for the trees when it was something they didn't want to know about.)

It had been slow, but steady. Sam and Dean had their hunts and Castiel had his job and his own life separate from their own. Especially once he got a boyfriend. It was only natural that they didn't get a chance to meet up as often.

But it wasn't just that. More and more often, Castiel begged off from meeting up or simply didn't answer voicemails left for him. And when they were able to get together, Castiel was quieter and obviously pulling away. It was worrying and Sam and Dean sat down and talked about it in the bunker, even pulling Kevin into it. They all agreed that, even if there wasn't a problem, they needed to at least check up on the former angel.

Which was why Sam was outside the gas station in one of the cars from the Men of Letters' garage, waiting on Castiel to finish his shift. This was something that was better talked about in person, anyway.

((Content warning for discussions of abuse and abusive relationships. Also BDSM done wrong.))

Comments

[fromfryingpantofire]

It's a question he's been expecting, but isn't certain how to answer. Because of Jason, there's no way to explain what he wants without possibly freaking Castiel out. After all, his only experience with dominants is...well, abuse.

Finally, Sam shakes his head. "No," he admits after a few moments. "No, I've never been the kind who gives up control easily. I prefer to be the one in control, to give order in chaos. My desires...I like being the one in control."

More than liked it, but this isn't the time to talk about it. Not like that, at least.

[freetobe]

Castiel nods, and finds himself not at all surprised. Sam is a gentle person, but also firm. He has the potential for darkness, but the heart not to stray into it, past mistakes not counting.



He would be good, Castiel realizes, and quietly wonders why there is no one around to submit to Sam and be taken so thoroughly taken care of.

Wonders if it's because of the job. Feels it's a shame, because he's not... Sam's, yet he feels safer right here than he has since Metatron cut his grace away.

"Can you... be in control of me, for a while? Not... not like that, of course. Just. Can you help me help myself, Sam?"

[fromfryingpantofire]

The question eases something in Sam's shoulders and he sighs softly, nodding. He'd been afraid for a few moments that it would scare Castiel off. His only experience with doms being Jason and his friends and that just wasn't good.

He reaches for a washcloth, lathering it up to begin washing Castiel, his touch slow and gentle. "I will," he promises. "I'll teach you what you need to know. Start from the ground up, let you see how it's supposed to work." There's a club in town that Sam sometimes goes to, subs that will play with him. He makes a mental note to ask about a guest pass for Castiel. "Not for a few days, though. For the next few days, you need to concentrate on recovering. You've been badly hurt and you're going to need time for your body to heal so that your mind can focus better."

[freetobe]

And it is so simple all of a sudden. They're not commands, because Sam is not his dom, but it's still easy to follow them, to just let Sam dictate his choices for now. It feels good, it feels right, and it gives him the stability he needs. Stands a little more on his own feet, although he doesn't draw away. He stays right where he is, just letting Sam wash away the pain and confusion. Willing to listen to him, now, because it's either than making the call himself just yet.

"Recovery, then learning. Yes, Sam."

For a moment longer he's silent, and then he closes his eyes, just focuses on the feeling.

"Is it that bad?"

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam thinks for a moment about lying, but he doesn't want to start things that way with Castiel. "I'm not entirely certain," he said after a moment. "There was a lot of blood when I removed the plug, so there's obviously some tearing down there. So we're going to have to be careful of that for a few days, since we don't want it getting infected." Which was always a chance with any tearing in that area. "I'll go in the morning and get some supplies to keep the area as clean as we can.

"As for the rest." He kept the washcloth moving over Castiel's back. "I haven't had a chance to really look, yet. I'll have you turn around and lean against the wall so I can get a better look at your back. If you have any cuts, they'll need to be treated to drop the risk of infection there, too. Because if anything becomes too infected, we're going to have to go to the hospital."

[freetobe]

"When I met Jason, I was trying to order at a diner. Outside the box, because I know humans need variety in their food to survive and be healthy. So I wanted to order something different. I must have looked lost. Jason slid into my booth. Said I was too handsome not to have company. I didn't understand the relation, but thanked him for the compliment. He ordered for me. It was nice."

His fingertips draw small patterns on Sam's back, to distract himself from the bad news.

"Everything was nice in the beginning. I should have realized when he said he didn't like you and Dean, didn't want me to spend so much time with you."

[fromfryingpantofire]

"Mmm. Well, there are a lot of people who don't like us." He couldn't even be mad about that, honestly. And it wasn't like Sam and Dean had fought it overmuch. "We just wanted you to be happy, so we didn't question it, either. We should have. Especially as that's a common technique among abusers. They separate their partner from friends and family that could help them, keep them isolated so that others don't realize what's happening."

It really was classic and they hadn't seen it until it was nearly too late. "After I saw you at work the other day, I was...I got concerned. We kinda had his place staked out."

[freetobe]

"You were close."

Castiel pulls his head back then, stares at Sam. There's no judgement in his eyes, just quiet wonder, confusion. Sam came to the store to see him, was concerned, both Winchesters kept a closer eye on him.

Angels perching on his shoulder.

He laughs so suddenly that it surprises him, and only for a moment before he feels dizzy and leans his head back against Sam's shoulder.

"Saving people. Hunting things. Isn't that how the prophet Chuck wrote it?"

[fromfryingpantofire]

The laughter surprises Sam as well, blinking at Castiel before he leans against him again.

"Something like that. That's what Dad used to say. Dean used to say it, too. But...I didn't think it was about hunting things, so much as hunting and stopping evil. I think that's what we've started to focus on more."

Monsters could be good. Lenore and her vampires tried their best to stay on the straight and narrow. Benny, for all Sam hadn't appreciated it at the time, had been a good man. And they'd run into plenty of humans who had been evil, even without being demons.

"But yeah. We were close. We knew something was up but...we didn't want to go busting in without you asking. That wouldn't have been fair to you."

[freetobe]

"I didn't want to ask for help. Even now, in the end... I didn't want to... I thought it was all normal, all good. I still question what I did."

It's hard to shake that thought of... doing wrong, disappointing his dom. It's so ingrained in him by now, such a step back to his old ways, instead of a comfortable relinquishing of control.

Castiel falls silent then. Still stays close to Sam, but turns his head, so that while he's still leaning on the other man's shoulder, he's looking away from him. Just needing to be on his own in this situation for a while, though he stays perfectly relaxed.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam hums softly as he continues to clean Castiel, gentle and careful of injuries. "You didn't have a basis for comparison. Not one among humans, at least." And the basis he'd had among angels had been different. "You're probably going to question for a while, honestly. Not because what you did was wrong, but because you've been taught to think that way. We can work on that, though, you and I together."

He pulls away slightly. "I need to get down to clean off your legs. Can you lean against the wall for me, Cas?"

[freetobe]

"I experienced doubt long before I met Dean and you. It's not pleasant. It feels like a sickness that eats away at you. Angels aren't designed for it..."

And yet he knows the doubt is good. Anna has doubted, he has doubted, and it led them on better paths, fighting for what they believed in respectively. He still didn't look forward to doubting more now.

"Yes, Sam."

It's easy to follow these orders at least, to lean against the wall for Sam in order to continue this exercise in humility.

[fromfryingpantofire]

"Doubt isn't always a bad thing." And he knows that Castiel knows that. But it still is a good thing to remind the former angel of from time to time.

Once he's certain Castiel is steady, Sam kneels and reaches for more soap, lathering up the washcloth again so that he can start washing the blood and semen off of Castiel's legs. Still gentle, still careful, but making certain every bit of it is gone. Including up over Castiel's ass because that definitely needed to be cleaned so that Castiel would feel better.

[freetobe]

Someone used Sharpie to write something on the inside of Castiel's thighs, high up so it's only visible when he spreads them a little.

'Property'.

He doesn't answer Sam, but whimpers softly as he's being cleaned, as the soap stings in the various small tears he's suffering. His fingers find their way into Sam's hair for comfort, holding on with a small tremble.

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam's lips roll as he looks at the marker and shakes his head. "I'll have to look up a good way to get rid of this." Because Castiel isn't property. Though, really, he should probably check that with the former angel.

For the moment, though, he finishes cleaning Castiel up, absolutely not moving the other man's fingers from his hair. It's an effort not to lean in and kiss Castiel's hip, memories of similar nights with Jess surfacing after so long. Instead, he shakes himself slightly and pushes himself to his feet. "Come on. Let's get you dried off and get a better look at your back." Probably more than just Castiel's back. But it definitely needs to be looked at to prevent infections.

[freetobe]

Castiel nods, but is silent as he follows Sam out of the shower, slightly unsteady because of everything that has transpired, because he's tired and hurting and knows that his shame will only grow as they proceed.

"I'm sensitive."

It sounds like a random statement as he lets Sam envelop him in a towel. But it can mean a lot of things. An apology should his body react inappropriately to touch. An apology should he cry out because he hurts easily, too. An apology he cry.

Always an apology, because he feels that apologizing is all that can soften the inevitable fallout of all this for him.

[fromfryingpantofire]

The towel is incredibly soft. When they don't have to rely on laundromats and using the least amount of money possible, it turns out that Dean's really good at laundry. Sam is careful not to press against the injuries as he dries Castiel off.

He glances up at the statement, humming softly before nodding. "I suppose that's not a big surprise, really. This whole 'human' thing is still new to you. All the sensations will be, too." Which means, yes, learning how to deal with things like pain and pleasure. Especially when somebody has been working very hard to prove that there's no line in between, even where there should be one. "It's okay, Cas. Whatever happens, I won't be bothered by it. Whatever you need, all right?"

[freetobe]

Castiel relaxes into the towel as Sam dries him off. There's something cozy about it, something oddly casual and chaste. Sam is taking care of him, clearly not focused on the wet, naked skin underneath the soft towel.

It's surprisingly nice to have affection without sex. Castiel didn't know that.

"Let me repay you, Sam."

[fromfryingpantofire]

Any other time and Sam might be more focused on wet, naked Castiel. If he's allowed. But right now, Castiel is a friend and hurting and that's all that Sam is going to let himself think about.

"You don't have to repay me, Cas," Sam says, wiping the towel over Castiel's hair again, almost amused at the way it won't quite set down, even when wet. "You're my friend. That's all the reason I need to help you."

[freetobe]

Castiel's hair has its own mind like that. It's made for running fingers through it, too, though Castiel doesn't know that. Affection isn't something he's learned much of yet.

"But I can be good."

All he's learned is how to trade himself in for little kindnesses. Because Jason did him a kindness now and then - and expected payment, too.

[fromfryingpantofire]

It really is, and Sam would love to. But he's very mindful of the fact that Castiel is more than a little turned around at the moment.

Sam drops the towel around Castiel's shoulders, reaching up with one hand to cup the other man's cheek. "I know that you can," he says softly. "But you don't owe me anything, Castiel. There's no need to repay what I give to you freely. Nor do I expect payment. That's not what I'm about."

[freetobe]

They have talked aboutit before, and Castiel feels as though he's failing Sam by returning to this point over and over again. But he has to make sure. Has to offer. There's nothing to gain in life if you're not willing to pay for it.

So what he does is reach forwards and very lightly trails his fingers over Sam's soft cock, not breaking eye contact.

Offering. Inviting.

He can be good.

[fromfryingpantofire]

The reaction to that touch is very much not something in Sam's control. His cock jerks up into the touch, a little blood starting to fill it. And it would be so simple, just to let Castiel keep touching him, let him get Sam off the way that he wants to.

Sam takes a deep breath, willing down any more reaction before he takes Castiel's hand and brings it up to hold onto. "Cas, no," he says softly, keeping eye contact. "You don't have to get me off for me to know that you're good. I know YOU and I know that's true. You don't owe me anything."

[freetobe]

"You've been alone too much and too long. You deserve at least... something."

Even something like Castiel. He feels light headed, barely able to connect his thoughts to his actions to his own wants and needs. He just doesn't want Sam to walk away, doesn't want to be useless again, nothing more than a victim, damaged goods.

Just like Jason said.

"I didn't know I had any need before my Grace was taken. And now I just want so much. Don't you want me to want you?"

[fromfryingpantofire]

Sam's hand tightens on Castiel's, not letting go. Because, yes. There's a part of Sam that has wanted Castiel to want him for years now. Maybe since the first time they had met and Castiel had pronounced him "The Boy with the Demon Blood".

Sam broke eye contact, lifting his head to press a kiss to Castiel's forehead. "You are my friend, Cas. I care about you and I want you to be safe, first and foremost."

Couldn't look Castiel in the eyes because he might see just how damaged Sam was, how broken bits of him still were. "We'll deal with your needs, help you find a safe way to deal with them. After that...we'll see."